Happy Father's Day

It starts when I see the advertisements. It's a new and different feeling. It's loss all over again -- an empty feeling. What is a Happy Father's Day without Dad?

I know that it's not just me. For my married sisters with children though I suppose it's different -- there is still a party -- for their husbands, the fathers of their children. So there is a celebration they still go through -- just no Dad. I suppose Debbie will have a party or dinner at her house as she does for most holidays and random celebrations. And I imagine in some ways it is hardest for her. The house with so many celebrations, the chair Dad always sat in. The constant reminder of what was, and is no more.

A phone call, a card. Missed chances, missed stories. What is -- is never enough -- we expect there is always more . . . more time, more stories, more opportunities. We can never make enough of the time that is here -- that is just not reasonable. Yet we yearn -- for one more hug, one more phone call, one more question or piece of advice, one more moment together.

In Dad's last visit to the hospital he wondered aloud what kind of father he had been, expressing doubts, worried he hadn't been a good enough Dad. We are never good enough, that is reserved for someone much larger than us. But we will still always wonder -- were we good enough daughters, friends, dads, moms -- the prospect of death will always have us wondering. What is the measure of good enough, how do we define the life we have lead?

Our "wonderful, weird, wacky" Dad left behind a family, a large group of friends, and a community as his legacy. He left signals, stories, and learning opportunitites even in the manner of his passing. So for this Fathers Day, his day, my gift to him is to remember one thing I learned that can make me a better daughter, better friend, better person.

He was there today, in whatever celebration you had. In those celebration you had, in your reactions, in his children, their children and even their children -- Dad was there in the legacy he passed to all of us.

For my sisters -- it is up to us to determine how good of a father Dad was. It is up to us to learn from the good, and the bad and to perpetuate the memory, the spirit, of Dad. It is up to us now. But I suppose it always was.

Happy Father's Day Dad. I hope that I am a good enough daughter.