1,056 and 25 million

It has been 1,056 days.

1,056 days since I last heard your voice. The last "I love you" before it got too hard, before you could no longer speak.

In those 1,056 days over 25 million people have followed the same course as you did. 25 million people left behind husbands, wives, sons, daughters, grandchildren, friends. 25 million people died of cancer.

I wonder. About so many things.

I wonder if you knew how a simple colonoscopy could have caught it, and extended your time with us. And whether that would have been OK -- or would the time extension been robbed us of you anyways, with the poison needed to kill the cancer, killing who you were, robbing you of your energy, your spirit. I wonder if it would have mattered, or if it was truly better this way.

I wonder what you thought in those final days, as you watched your friends and family gather to share memories, stories, and say goodbye.

I wonder if you were OK with me then. Taking care of you. I wonder if you meant it, that you had abandoned all modesty and it was truly OK. I wonder if it bothered you, or if you were glad I was there.

I wonder if you knew we all teamed together to keep you at home, to honor your strongest desire to pass at home, in the house and yard you loved so much. I wonder if you knew, how important that was to us as well.

I wonder what you thought about in those moments. The things you'd seen, the things you'd miss. The journey you'd been on, the journey you're to embark on.

I wonder if you knew how impactful your death would be, reflecting how impactful your life was.

I wonder if you knew how many, so, so many friends, family and acquantices would gather to share your life one more time.

I wonder if you could have imagined the impact you made in such a short time to the hospital nurses and your hospital roommates. Such an impact that they would come to calling hours, your roommate to your funeral. How many nurses, seeing what they do, go to patients calling hours. How many can afford that emotional investment. What an impact indeed.

I wonder what you would have said about the string of cars following us to the cemetery. You would have been put off of course, the fuss. But I think a little, you would have been satisfied in how you lived your life.

I wonder if you knew, how angry you could make me. How frustrated, impatient. How unfair it all seemed, how stubborn you could be. Times change, why could you not see that.

I wonder if you knew, how much it hurt. How hard I tried and wanted, desparately to know you were proud of me.

I wonder if you knew, it would take me so long to grow up. If you saw how I was too much like you to see eye to eye.

I wonder if you knew how much those last few years meant, how much they helped me to know, to understand. I wonder if you knew how important those last few weeks were, for healing, for understanding, for trying to pay back.

I wonder if you knew how much it meant, to finally acknowledge and talk, to share the time on the porch, to finally be there when it mattered.

I wonder if you knew Mom would ask me to speak, and I would. I think after the birthday roast you knew what I would say, the funny stories and the picture I would paint. And I think you would have enjoyed it, and toasted with a beer and a piece of cake, as you did on your last Birthday.

I wonder why you expected so much more of me than I expected of myself. I wonder why you thought so much more of me that I could of myself. I wonder if that is why you pushed so hard.

I wonder if you knew, I would finally get it one day. I wonder if you knew, that I finally did.

I wonder if you knew, that I do love you.