How do you tell Xion?

So one of the things that makes pets so hard is that you can't explain things to them, like the pills, the trip to the vet -- that really really you are doing these awful, scary, sometimes painful things to actually HELP them. No, you can't really explain.

And that is hard. But how on earth do you explain to Xion that his best friend is gone? You might remember Xion. Last Christmas he disappeared, only to re-appear a couple of months later, probably spending the time trapped in a garage, shed or other such place. Skinny as a bone, a little nervous, but otherwise returned in fine shape. He ate like a horse after that, is no longer the skinny minny he used to be, and Ashley now keeps him inside at night in the bitter cold. So I don't see him every day like I used to. And I couldn't tell him what happened to Alex.

He ran to the door with me like he always does, ready to smell, and sometimes bat at Alex on the other side of the door that I would hold open. He looked for her, I just let him come in.

He was nervous, smelling and searching the house. Crying, looking for Alex. He looked everywhere: under, around, behind, upstairs, downstairs. Smelling every inch. And all I could do was tell him she had died, that she wasn't here any more.



After awhile he quit looking, and eventually rubbed into the carpet, right below her ashes, and where perhaps he could smell her the most. I want to think he was saying goodbye, most likely he was merely being a cat, trying to displace her special smell with his own. But I think, in a small way, he came to understand she wasn't here.

He'll come back again. He's crying at the window now to be let back in. And I suppose he'll continue to search for her, for awhile. Much like I do, every morning when I wake up. Until slowly the memory fades a bit, the shadows lessen. And that desperate lonliness fades, the gaping hole filling slowly. Perhaps then he'll quit looking for her.

I went last night to my friends house, to see their new kitten. It's a purebreed -- a Bengal cat. Beautiful markings, full of energy, a truly joyful gift. We played and played, until he wore out and took a nap.

And a little of my heart broke, but it was wonderful to meet him, precious little Kaashi (which means luminescent in Bengalese). And driving home I understood, it would be awhile before I could welcome a cat back into my home. I have to grieve for Alex. And she is not replaceable. So until the hole in my heart heals it would be unfair. Constantly I would compare them to Alex, expecting them to be her. And they can't, no other cat can be. They can only be their own, distinct personality. And right now I am not ready for that.

I only want my sweet little Alex, my babycakes, back home. I am not yet ready.